When anger becomes the attorney, but his assistant won't let him speak

Have you ever felt like your anger was trying to speak up for something deeper?

Sometimes our reactions aren’t just about the moment—they’re about protection. Inside, it might feel like a courtroom: anger playing the role of a sharp, determined attorney, rising up to defend something deeply vulnerable. And behind that, another part—quieter, more calculating—scrambles to keep everything under control.

Anger: The Fierce Defender

Anger is often misunderstood. While it can feel overwhelming or explosive, anger isn’t inherently bad. It can be a powerful protector—an internal attorney—standing up for the parts of us that are too tender, too scared, or too young to speak for themselves.

When a boundary is crossed or a core wound is touched, anger steps in to say:

“This matters. I won’t let this go unnoticed.”

The Assistant: Doing Damage Control

Alongside anger, there’s usually an assistant—what we might call a “manager” part in the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model. This part tries to keep things safe and under control. It might look like:

• Rationalizing

• Avoiding conflict

• People-pleasing

• Dissociating

• Overworking or overthinking

Its goal? To protect us—from judgment, punishment, shame, or rejection, especially from those we love most.

“This assistant will do anything to protect the internal family system from being judged, excluded, or punished—especially by society, family, or loved ones.”

When the Assistant Runs the Show

The assistant is resourceful, but it was never meant to lead alone.

When it takes over, anger is suppressed—and that part doesn’t just disappear. It simmers. Imagine an attorney who’s been silenced in court. Eventually, it finds a way to speak—sometimes louder, sometimes with more heat. And the assistant, sensing the threat of chaos, clamps down even harder.

This cycle becomes exhausting. No one gets fully heard. No part feels fully safe.

What Gets Left Out: The Self

Caught in this internal battle, the most essential presence gets left behind: the Self.

In IFS, the Self is our inner leader. It’s not a part—it’s who we are when we’re grounded and connected. The Self brings qualities like:

• Curiosity

• Compassion

• Clarity

• Calm

• Confidence

• Courage

• Creativity

But when anger and the assistant dominate the scene, Self can’t guide the system. And without Self, healing stalls.

Inviting a New Dynamic

In therapy, we create space for change.

We help the assistant soften—so it no longer feels like it has to control everything. We listen to anger—so it can express itself without needing to explode. And we honor the vulnerable inner child who’s been at the center of this struggle all along.

When Self returns to leadership, each part can do its job without overwhelm.

There’s more room for connection, trust, and peace inside.

If this resonates, please contact me for a consultation.