What is your role in your family system?

Family dynamics are shaped by many factors, including love, attachment, and resilience. But often, unspoken emotions—especially shame—can dictate how individuals within a family learn to cope. The Stress-Induced Impaired Coping Model provides a useful framework for understanding the roles family members unconsciously adopt to manage the discomfort of shame. These roles—escape, blame, fix, and distract—become survival mechanisms that influence relationships across generations.

The Role of Shame in Families

Shame is a deeply painful emotion that tells us we are fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or unlovable. Unlike guilt, which arises from specific actions, shame attacks the core of our identity. Families struggling with unresolved trauma, unmet needs, or unrealistic expectations often pass shame down, even without realizing it. In response, members develop specific coping roles to survive in the emotional environment they grew up in.

The Four Coping Roles

1. The Escapist: This role is often taken on by someone who feels overwhelmed by shame and seeks to numb it. Escape can take many forms—substance use, excessive screen time, overworking, or withdrawing emotionally. In a family setting, escapists may be physically present but emotionally unavailable, avoiding difficult conversations or responsibilities.

2. The Blamer: Some cope with shame by externalizing it—blaming others for their problems to avoid feeling inadequate. Blamers may dominate family interactions, creating conflict as a way to push shame onto someone else. In extreme cases, this can look like emotional abuse, where one person constantly criticizes or scapegoats another family member.

3. The Fixer: The fixer absorbs shame by taking responsibility for everyone’s emotions and problems. Often, this role develops in childhood when a child learns that their worth is tied to keeping the family stable. As adults, fixers become overly accommodating, trying to mend relationships, smooth over conflict, and ensure everyone else is okay—often at the cost of their own well-being.

4. The Distractor: Distraction is another way to avoid facing shame. A distractor might turn to humor, impulsive spending, or an endless cycle of busyness to keep from addressing deeper emotional wounds. While this can bring temporary relief, it often prevents real emotional connection within the family.

How These Roles Show Up in Family Systems

Most families have a mix of these roles, and members may shift between them over time. A parent who once escaped through alcohol might later become a fixer, trying to make up for past mistakes. A sibling who distracted themselves as a child might grow into a blamer as an adult. These roles shape family interactions and often repeat across generations unless they are consciously addressed.

For example, in a family where a parent struggles with shame and escapes through workaholism, a child might take on the fixer role, constantly seeking approval. Another child might become a blamer, directing their resentment toward the fixer or the absent parent. Meanwhile, a third sibling might distract themselves with humor, trying to keep the family from falling apart.

Breaking the Cycle

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change. Families can begin to heal when they:

• Identify their roles and reflect on how they learned to cope with shame.

• Practice self-compassion, understanding that these roles were survival mechanisms, not character flaws.

• Create space for open conversations about emotions, allowing vulnerability rather than avoidance or blame.

• Seek professional support if needed, to untangle deep-seated family patterns and work toward healthier dynamics.

(Learn more from "Freedom from family dysfunction - A guide to healing families battling addiction or mental illness", by Kenneth Perlmutter)